I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
