sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
