My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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