She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
