We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
And then my night got REAL pukey
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
