Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
