I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
