I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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