My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
