Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
