Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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