Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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