420 ftw
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
