She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
