oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
