ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
