Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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