barbara walters just said penis...
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
