Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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