I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You need a sexual gate keeper
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
