did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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