Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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