I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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