if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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