I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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