I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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