1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
