So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
