I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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