btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
