if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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