They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
