So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
