dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
