I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
