It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
