I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
