Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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