Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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