I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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