Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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