Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Of course I have a pirate flag
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
