i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
