I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
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I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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