You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We need to get me chipped asap
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero