You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
