Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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