Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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