What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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