i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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