did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
