i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
