how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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