i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
