The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize