dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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