you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
