He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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