Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
